Connective Threads is a weekly exploration of science, technology, and philosophy threading together actionable insights on health, happiness, and human connection for a more intentional and fulfilling life.
Me? start with a quote from my favorite Roman emperor, Marcus Aurelius? Always.
At its core, this quote encourages a daily gratitude practice right when you wake up. Recognizing the privilege of life itself shifts the focus from what you lack (which is a natural survival instinct) to the abundance that exists. This perspective creates an appreciation for simply being alive, thinking, the ability to have things to enjoy, and the ability to give and receive love, all fundamental but often overlooked aspects of our day-to-day lives.
By starting the day with such a positive acknowledgment, we can set a tone of positivity and openness for the day ahead. This practice is known to enhance mood, improve mental health, and even impact physical well-being by reducing stress and improving sleep quality.
Today, we are exploring genuine gratitude. I intentionally include the term genuine because I will explore a few ways we get gratitude wrong and how we can tailor our gratitude experience to be the most effective.
My ChatGPT creation of my ideal morning gratitude practice: Prompt: “A picture of a male sitting at a desk in a cottage in the morning with a cup of coffee on the table and in athletic attire. He is writing in his journal, which is laid on the desk, and from it, little streams of magic gratitude are coming off of the page. The cottage has large windows with nature in the background.”
Today’s Flow:
Gratitude Story
Gratitude vs Thankfulness
Neuroscience of Gratitude
Effective Practices
Conclusions
Let’s kick this off with a little story of an encounter that I had in the past year:
As many of you know I travel quite often for work. I would consider myself a pretty effective traveler. I am able to prioritize my day in order to make it to an airport, use any excess time to work, and be quite productive in these spaces. But, that is only if everything is going according to my plans.
Last fall, I was on my way to JFK one morning in New York City after a long week of meetings. I usually leave for the airport 3 hours ahead of time so I can get to the airport with 2 hours before my flight knowing that baggage check closes 1 hour before my usual flight from New York back home to London.
That morning I arose at 5:00 AM for my 9:00 AM flight and made it out the door at 5:50 AM slightly ahead of schedule feeling really good about the 1 hour drive to the airport and the rest of the timing of the day. What I did not expect was the flipped car on the freeway between Manhattan and JFK that would bring the entire freeway to a near complete stop.
One of my biggest (and most irrational fears) is being late or missing my flights.
As my driver came to a complete stop of the freeway, I was not initially worried, I had planned to have a bit of buffer room and would ultimately be okay if we were able to get back to speed within the next few minutes.
30 minutes later, having not moved, I began to panic. I could feel my heart rate increasing, my cortisol levels spiking, and my fight or flight mode starting to activate as I began to sweat.
This increased stress in my brain made it nearly impossible for me to think straight.
Eventually after 45 minutes we started to move. I immediately put JFK into my google maps and calculate out my eta.
I was going to arrive at 7:55 AM and the baggage check closed at 8:00 AM, and if you have ever been to JFK, you know the queues can vary anywhere from 20-50 minutes just to check in.
As we pulled up to JFK, I ran out of the car, grabbed my 3 bags, and sprinted inside. I was sweating, anxious, and could barely think clear enough to find where I needed to go.
I quickly found the Delta/Virgin Atlantic section which had 45 minute queues to check bags. I looked around and saw one agent named Charolette who must have just been entering the airport to start her day. I quickly ran up to her and she immedateily turned to me with the kindest demeanor and said “Hi Hunny, you look like you could use some help. What can I do for you today?” She was a beam of sunshine and I immedately felt radiating positive energy.
Sweating, I responded “I have 2 minutes to check this bag and get in the other queue to go through security to get to my flight to London.”
I was expecting her to say “I’m sorry there is nothing I can do. You should have gotten here sooner.” But, instead, she said “Oh hun, come right over here with me".” in the sweetest, slightly southern voice. She looked at me and said “Let’s do this quickly. I know just how stressful this can be, but let’s work togehter and see what we can do for you.” It was like she had taken me under her wing and told me she was going to make sure everything was going to be ok.
I could immedately feel my cortisol levels drop, the sweat subside, and my cognitive function come back to homeostasis.
She proceeded to quickly check me in asking quesitons about my life in London, and tell me that she has always romaticised London and imagined raising kids there. She maintained the biggest smile on her face which, of course, activated my mirror neurons and started to get me to smile.
She checked in my bags with 57 minutes before my flight and we were already starting to board.
Instead of telling me to just be on my way, Charolette then proceeded to personally take me to the front of the security queue, still chatting away, and ensure I was taken care of to get through my day.
After handing me off to the security checks, she told me that if she ever makes it out to London with her family, she will keep an eye out for me!
I immedately turned to her and said “I am so grateful for you. You were so kind this morning and you really showed up for me when I needed someone to help. Thank you so much. I apprecaite you.”
I could see the genuine appreciation in her eyes and she said “No thank you! This was a great start to my morning and I am so glad my first engagement was with someone whose energy matched mine so well!”
I was buzzing about this interaction for the rest of the morning and on my flight. Even when I landed in London that evening I was still thinking of the kindness that Charolette had shown to me when she did not have to
Funny enough - I took some pictures as she brought me to the front of the security line because I knew I was going to want to look back on the moment in my gratitude practice:
The reason I tell you this story is that it has stuck with me for nearly half a year and is a perfect example of what researchers call “Genuine Gratitude,” which transitions perfectly into our next segment:
Genuine Gratitude vs Thankfulness
When I began really getting into gratitude practices and researching it nearly 2 years ago, it was clear that the forefather of gratitude research is Robert Emmons of UC Davis. Nearly every paper you read, every expert you hear, and every study currently going on all leads back to Emmons in some way.
Emmons defines gratitude with two parts in his piece titled “Why Gratitude is Good”:
“First, it’s an affirmation of goodness. We affirm that there are good things in the world, gifts and benefits we’ve received. This doesn’t mean that life is perfect; it doesn’t ignore complaints, burdens, and hassles. But when we look at life as a whole, gratitude encourages us to identify some amount of goodness in our life.
The second part of gratitude is figuring out where that goodness comes from. We recognize the sources of this goodness as being outside of ourselves. It didn’t stem from anything we necessarily did ourselves in which we might take pride. We can appreciate positive traits in ourselves, but I think true gratitude involves a humble dependence on others: We acknowledge that other people—or even higher powers, if you’re of a spiritual mindset—gave us many gifts, big and small, to help us achieve the goodness in our lives.” - Robert Emmons [1]
This pulls us back to our original quote by Marcus Aurelius, Both Aurelius and Emmons’ perspectives on gratitude remind me of the Red Car phenomenon: “Easy to spot a red car when you are always thinking of a red car.”
In the same way, it is easy to spot new reasons to be grateful when you are always proactively thinking of gratitude with a gratitude practice.
Now, the important bit: Unfortunately, most of us actually start with a practice that is rooted in thankfulness and not gratitude. Thankfulness is an automatic, short-lived, and transactional response to things we expect from other humans. Examples include someone holding the door as you enter the gym in the morning, someone giving up their seat for a pregnant person on a bus, or your colleague passing you a plate of appetizers at a business lunch. All these things we say “Thank you” then move on from and forget about momentarily afterward because they are expected.
Gratitude is something else entirely. From what I have learned from my reveiw of the literature and some of my favorite gratitude researchers, including the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkley [2], Robert Emmons of UC Davis [3], and Dr. Michael E. McCullough of the University of Miami [4], there are three distinct parts to Genuine Gratitude:
Deep Appreciation
Unexpected Event
Lasting Impact
Let’s go back and think about the experience that I have with Charlotte at the airport.
At that moment, I appreciated how Charolette was able to show up for me and calm me down on the spot. She started connecting with me when she saw how anxious I was and was able to comfort me immediately. In turn, I could feel my cortisol levels dropping because she was showing me such kindness and empathy that not only emotionally moved me but also physically changed my chemical response.
I am sure you can tell based on the fact that it is six months later, and I am still talking about this experience that it has had a lasting impact on me, but in the moment, it was also very unexpected. She could have just checked me in or dismissed me, but instead went above and beyond to make sure that I was taken care of throughout the whole experience until the moment when I passed through security, and she physically could not be with me anymore. It meant a lot to know that a random stranger was willing to show up for me with such energy in a moment of need.
Let’s go through one more example of being grateful vs. being thankful:
Picture this: You are back in my home state of Wisconsin in the heart of summer. The summers can get pretty hot and sunny, making it slightly difficult for older people to mow their lawns. You notice that your neighbor’s lawn has been slightly overgrown, so you decide that when you finish your lawn, you’ll take 20 minutes to mow Betty Sue’s lawn next door.
After you complete it, Betty Sue opens the door and thanks you for taking the 20 minutes to help her out. This is an example of thankfulness - you would expect this. A very transactional response, you provided a service and she thanked you for it.
Now a genuine gratitude example would be Betty Sue walking out of the door to meet you on her front lawn and embracing you with a hug. She looks you in the eyes and tells you that the last time someone else helped her mow her lawn was her husband before he passed away last fall. She says that this gesture means so much to her and thanks you for taking care of her this morning.
You can tell that she is 1. deeply appreciative, 2. she did not expect this, and 3. this will have a lasting impact on her day/week. You have cultivated this moment, and you are likely also deeply grateful for having done this yourself, which will prompt your brain to look for more moments in which you can show up in this way.
There is a clear distinction between thankfulness and genuine gratitude; now, let’s dig deeper into why gratitude has such a profound impact on your brain.
Neuroscience of Gratitude
The neuroscience behind gratitude reveals a fascinating connection between our brain's structure and function, fundamentally altering our mental and emotional landscapes (leveraging one of my favorite concepts - neuroplasicty). When we engage in genuine gratitude practices, such as keeping a gratitude journal or mentally acknowledging what we are grateful for, this activates specific regions of the brain associated with emotional regulation and the reward pathway, specifically the prefrontal cortex (seems like everything I write about refers to the prefrontal cortex -but that’s because it is important ! ) and the ventral tegmental area. These areas are crucial for feeling pleasure and for the reinforcement of behaviors/decision-making that are beneficial to our well-being. Moreover, gratitude practice increases the production of dopamine and serotonin, two key neurotransmitters involved in our feelings of happiness and well-being. This neurochemical boost helps to elevate our mood and can even contribute to a more positive and resilient mindset over time.
Gratitude's impact extends beyond the brain's reward system, influencing hormonal balance (shoutout epigenetic practices - Connective Threads piece on epigentics linked here) and the body's stress response. Practicing gratitude has been linked to lower levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, promoting a more relaxed state and helping to mitigate the effects of stress on the body. This hormonal balance not only aids in reducing anxiety and improving mood but also supports better physical health by enhancing immune function and reducing inflammation. The activation of the parasympathetic nervous system during gratitude exercises further encourages a state of calm and contentment, facilitating a restful sleep pattern and improving overall sleep quality (probably the biggest impact in my personal routine on sleep next to my Eight Sleep Bed - unapollogetic product placement).
The excerpt below comes from Emmon’s piece “Why Gratitude is Good”.
“Gratitude journals and other gratitude practices often seem so simple and basic; in our studies, we often have people keep gratitude journals for just three weeks. And yet the results have been overwhelming. We’ve studied more than one thousand people, from ages eight to 80, and found that people who practice gratitude consistently report a host of benefits:
Physical
Stronger immune systems
Less bothered by aches and pains
Lower blood pressure
Exercise more and take better care of their health
Sleep longer and feel more refreshed upon waking
Psychological
Higher levels of positive emotions
More alert, alive, and awake
More joy and pleasure
More optimism and happiness
Social
More helpful, generous, and compassionate
More forgiving
More outgoing
Feel less lonely and isolated.” [1]
The benefits of a genuine gratitude practice are both broad and profound, encompassing emotional, psychological, and physical well-being. Emotionally, individuals who regularly practice gratitude report higher levels of happiness and life satisfaction, as well as lower levels of depression and anxiety. Psychologically, gratitude can enhance self-esteem and foster resilience, enabling individuals to bounce back more quickly from adversity. Physically, the practice can lead to better health outcomes, including reduced symptoms of physical illness, lower blood pressure, and a stronger immune system.
Overall, the neuroscience of gratitude offers compelling evidence of its power to transform our minds, bodies, and lives, highlighting the importance of incorporating this simple yet profound practice into our daily routines.
Effective Gratitude Practices
Setting the Stage:
To cultivate an effective gratitude practice, I suggest starting by setting aside a few minutes each day to reflect on things you're genuinely grateful for. In my own personal practice, this works best for me in the morning to set a positive tone for the day or in the evening as a way to reflect right before bed. Use a journal to write down three to five things daily (here is the one I use), focusing on the why behind each one to deepen the practice. Incorporate variety to avoid it feeling like a chore, acknowledging both the big and small aspects of your life.
Additionally, expressing gratitude directly to others can amplify its benefits. Make it a habit to tell friends, family, or colleagues why you appreciate them, either through conversation, a note, or a message. This not only strengthens your relationships but also enhances your own feelings of gratitude, creating a positive feedback loop. Over time, this practice can shift your mindset, helping you to more naturally notice and appreciate the positive aspects of your life, even during challenging times.
Lastly, embrace technology to guide your gratitude practice by using apps designed for journaling or reminders to reflect on gratitude throughout your day. Setting digital prompts can serve as gentle nudges to pause and recognize moments of genuine gratitude, encouraging consistency in your practice. I use an app called “I am” which sends me periodic reminders throughout the day—it has been an absolutely game changer for me in not only gratitude practice but also overall mindset and my approach to the world around me (see picture below). This integration of gratitude into your digital life can make the practice more accessible and engaging, ensuring it becomes a seamlessly integrated part of your daily routine, further enriching your emotional well-being and sense of contentment.
Yes, I write on Sundays, and here is a live screenshot of my notification centre when I was writing this :)
Common Mistakes:
As I mentioned before, I think it is important to highlight common ways in which people make some mistakes in general gratitude practice so we can get better together.
One of my favorite thought leaders, Mel Robbins, did an amazing piece a year ago [7] about how she tailored her gratitude practice to address several regular mistakes people make. She highlights six ideas, but I will expand on three of them and connect them to where I have focused on improving myself or have helped others.
So, let’s get to it.
Using gratitude as a justification to do nothing and be stuck where you are if you are unhappy or dissatisfied.
Mistake: The ever-so-common “I am just grateful to have a paycheck.” The reason why this is toxic is that if you hate your job but end the sentence with “I am grateful to have a paycheck,” are you motivated to change your job? Absolutely not. Another common one is when someone is in an unhappy relationship and says, “Well, at least they are better than [insert person]’s significant other. I am just grateful I am not dating a deadbeat person like they are.” Here is a clear use of gratitude to justify lowering your standards.
Analysis: If you find yourself saying, “I’m just grateful I have this,” but you do not like what you have, you are shaming yourself into not changing.
Try this: Add in the truth. “I am grateful that I have a paycheck, AND I deserve to work somewhere that makes me feel fulfilled and appreciated, so I am going to start networking and see if there is another job out there for me.” Now, taking a look at the relationship side - we can reframe it to say, “I am grateful for my time in that relationship through all the good times and growth I experienced, AND I deserve someone who brings out the best in me so I am going to end this.” Can you spot the difference? You can be thankful that an event in your life and acknowledge that, but still understand that you deserve something better.
This is an easy transition into our next one:
Using gratitude to escape uncomfortable emotions that you don’t want to process
Mistake: Humans often use gratitude to escape difficult emotions that we do not want to talk about or feel. I used to be very guilty of this, and it is where I have grown the most in my practice. Let’s go through two examples.
I remember back when my grandmother passed away due to health complications, and my father and his siblings would say “I am just grateful that she isn’t suffering anymore”.
Additionally, when people go through breakups, some express gratitude by saying, “I am just grateful we are not fighting anymore” or “I am grateful he expressed his feelings.”
Analysis: The issue here is that you are likely feeling more than one emotion but are leveraging gratitude to mask any unwanted feelings in this situation.
Try this:
“I am grateful that my mother is not suffering anymore, AND I am devastated that I just lost my mom.” Do you see how powerful that feels? This matters because it is critical for your mental health that you acknowledge and validate the uncomfortable emotions that you are feeling.
Now, for the relationship side example, you are not just grateful right out of the gate. It is critical for healing that you speak about the troubles, confusion, or grief that you feel. Gratitude might be one of the 100s of emotions running through your mind, but jumping onto just gratitude can actually really hurt your ability to process these emotions. Being able to lean into hard feelings allows you to find support networks (discussed in Identity Odyssey Part 2) and outlets to process those feelings, which is the only way to get genuine gratitude down the road. So instead, try “I am grateful we are breaking up and being honest with each other, BUT I am really hurting inside at the loss of my partner.” Notice the difference. The research shows that the more you talk about your negative feelings, the faster they pass. With the goal of genuine gratitude, if you need someone to complain to, I am here to chat (as a non-expert, unlicensed best friend).
Good friends will help you when you are stuck.
The next example is one that I am actively working on.
I love to help people get through tough times with a positive mindset, but I also need to ensure I approach support with radical empathy and the utmost respect for the person's situation. I have come a long way, but I will always have to be very intentional about this.
Using gratitude to push positivity on other people
Mistakes: We have all seen this as a natural reflex when we are getting uncomfortable due to information being shared with us. Imagine someone comes up and shares with you that they have just been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis or cancer, and you respond with, “Don’t worry! You’ll beat this!” or when someone loses their job, and you say, “That’s actually such a good thing! You hated that job! Aren’t you grateful for the opportunity to find a new one?”
Analysis: The research shows this type of ‘gratitude’ hurts people. It makes people feel like their feelings are invalidated and that you don’t understand the situation.
Try this: Instead of forcing positivity, it is okay to say, “That is horrible. You didn’t deserve this, but you are not going to go through this alone.” I stole this from Mel, who learned it from Adam Grant and Sheryl Sandberg, but it is a game-changer. You can offer support while creating space for their many feelings and emotions and opening the door for them to feel like they can go even deeper with a situation.
The human experience is extremely beautiful and complex, and the more we can be intentional about these changes, the more space we can create for genuine gratitude and support for the people we love.
Conclusion
As we come to an end, I want to express my gratitude that you took time out of your day to show up and read this piece. It took me just around 10 hours to review prior research and consolidate my thoughts. So, to see the people I care about show up to read this exploration, then reach out with questions, and share their learnings and growth, it truly moves me deeply and sticks with me for the long term.
It's clear that embracing gratitude does more than just brighten our days; it transforms them. Through a mix of personal stories and research insights, we've seen how acknowledging the good, especially when unexpected, leaves a lasting positive impact. Remember, it's not just about saying "thanks" for the easy stuff but recognizing the profound, often challenging moments that shape us. So, let's tweak our gratitude practice to be more mindful, genuine, and inclusive of the full spectrum of our experiences. This way, we're not just grateful; we're growing, too.
